Behold. You are about to witness history. I am going to issue an apology to all those who drink Soya/Almond/Oat milk out of choice and not because they have crippling dairy intolerance. I don’t know what came over me. Well, actually I do. It was the realisation of an additional stone in weight came over me as I looked at my reflection in the glass door of the ice cream freezer in Tesco and so I thought “No more fatty. Waddle you ever growing arse to get something healthy.”
So, of all the things I could have gone for, I honed in on overpriced quirky packaged non dairy milks. I picked up a bottle of Almond Milk and a bottle of Alpro Chocolate Soya milk, paid on a self serve checkout (fulfilling my childhood dream of being a checkout girl) and went home in my Liquorice Allsort Car. I bought no sweets. No biscuits. No chocolate. I swear to fucking God it’s like I rubbed one of them cartons like Aladdin’s Lamp and I was overcome by The Hipster Genie. All I could think about was why didn’t I buy Avocados too. Or some obscenely priced German Rye Bread as dense as a fucking house brick.
So here it is guys. Here is my apology. Make sure you are sitting down:
“Non Dairy Milks have changed my life. I am obsessed with Almond Milk Lattes and Chocolate Soya Milk. They are so delicious. Why the fuck have I been so pretentious to ignore them. Or maybe, not enough of a pretentious hipster prick to embrace them? Non Dairy Drinkers please accept me into your circle of trust. I feel have so much to learn.”
That is my issued statement. Take it.
So I feel I have now morphed into what I believe would be termed a Hipster. I have got pairs of Dungarees, yep a whole two pairs. Gained a septum and nose ring, which seriously though makes for crazy bad boogers. My boyfriend embraces beards, plaid shirts and enjoys art films. I eat anything anything containing Avocado and engage in Mindfulness. We both vape, ’cause you know like smoking is super bad for you man. And now the non-dairy phase has commenced I know I am going to definitely be labelled a pretentious prick. Just wait till I pop my kids out. Quinoa and Falafel are going to probably get picked on for their “individual” names we give them.
Nah I’m just kidding. My kids going to have way cooler names than that. And by then I am sure there will be some other obscure demographic I can veer to. Till then though I will be happily chugging my Soya Lattes.
Peace out Bitches.